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That despite my extremely confrontational personality, I like to avoid things.
This realization is slowly unraveling everything I previously perceived to “know” about myself.
I am beginning to understand that life is the perpetual tear down and reconstruct of the “self”.
Ugh.
As I realize that the battle for self-actualization is far from over, I grimace.
This whole aging process is difficult…. Just when you think you know it all, life points out that you know nothing at all.
Frustrating.
Anyway, so today I learned that I am a runner… I run from happiness because somehow, in my dark and twisty world, I believe that I do not deserve to be happy.
So when things are too good to be true…. I wreck them.
I wreck them and then crawl into the safety of my own little world… I waste hours studying the pattern of the paint on the wall and drift off into an immense fog of thought. I lose sight of what it means to actually live and become content with the tunnels of my mind. I write because when I speak I cannot be honest with myself.
That is, if I even know who or what myself actually is.
Avoidance is the easy path. I have always snickered at those who run from life…. And now here I am, one of the once labeled “weak”.
It is a very grim realization. I’m not as tough as I thought I was. I actually have emotions. I’m incapable of parading around pretending like I don’t give a fuck.
So rather than admit that I’m not an impenetrable fortress, I run.
I run fast and far.
And that’s why I always find myself in these strange and sometimes absurd situations.
I place myself there, knowing ill escape again soon.
That’s messed up. -
Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool.
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Quote reblogged from Fueling obsessionsSometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mum and dad’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.The Winter of the Air: (via piuma-)
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Photo reblogged from Ballerina Project
Zarina - Hana, Maui
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