really been open about my struggle with mental illness with people.
sure, people know.
but do people really know.
for the past 3 years i have jumped in and out of various diagnosis titles and for 3 years i have been on a perpetual roller coaster. fine one minute, horrible the next. on meds, off of meds. laughing, crying. sure of who i am and loving life, hating myself and wanting out.
i havent been on medication for almost a year now and as i look over my journey, i wonder if i was ever really sick enough to need meds… hell sometimes i wonder if there is really anything wrong with me at all, but maybe that just comes with the being crazy thing.
no, something is definitely wrong with me.
depression and lows hurt. the choice to forgo medication has not been an easy one. there are days where i literally cannot move. days where i sleep for 15 hours at a time. the sadness is so deep that you cannot tell where it stems from. nothing makes you smile. hours pass as you stare at the wall but it feels like mere seconds…. yeah, it hurts.
the shitty thing about it is that it hurts everyone around you too. people try to cheer you up or act ridiculously worried… and then when you try to explain you need to be left alone they just look at you like you are crazy.
and you are crazy.
trapped in this maze of your mind where you literally have no thought. no feeling. you cant cry or laugh. you just exist.
and once you reach the tipping point of this state, then you cry. you fold in on yourself… because you dont understand yourself.
people tell you to just snap out of it and just push through. what they dont get is that if you could, you would. you HATE yourself for lying on the bed/couch/floor and not doing anything. when the day ends and you realize you accomplished nothing, you go to bed promising that tomorrow you will be more productive.
but when morning comes, you still cant move.
and then anxiety kicks in because life is moving and youre frozen.
and that is what is so crippling about mental illness like depression, bipolar disorders, and general anxiety….. they keep you from progressing and trap you.
and it is at this point, when you are frozen, that people start telling you to snap out of it. that you should be able to pull together, that you arent trying hard enough.
pray harder, they say. go outside. break up with the guys. take time off. eat better…. or just try harder.
and what they dont know is that you are trying. you are fighting. but they see it as wallowing…. and so you feel worse.
and this cycle will continue for as long as your low lasts…. or until you choose medication.
even though i have spent the last 3 years of my life trying to make sense of what invisible mental diseases are composed of, i still dont understand. i still dont understand myself when i realize i am slipping into the dark places, but i always remind myself that we all have dark days…. i just have them more frequently.
the dark days never last though and if they last for too long i know where i can go for help. and theres always medication, should the dark days become too much.
who i am in the darkness has irreversibly become intertwined with who i always thought i was. its like my personality does this complicated balancing act between these two worlds.
and it sucks.
but i have hope.
hope that someday my stories and struggles will become inspirational to others in the dark places.
maybe what i know and understand and feel does have value.
and if i can help someone come out of the darkness and into the light….
that makes all my time in the dark places meaningful.
and all of my hours clocked in staring at the wall will finally make sense.